Why Your Standards Aren’t Too High — and How to Keep Them
If you’ve ever been told, “Your standards are too high,” you’re not alone. Especially in dating, it’s a comment that often disguises someone else’s discomfort with your clarity. But here’s the truth: high standards aren’t the problem — settling is.
There’s a major difference between high standards and unrealistic expectations. Standards are about your values. They’re the boundaries you set for how you want to be treated, the qualities you need in a partner, and the type of relationship you want to build. And when grounded in self-respect, they’re not just reasonable — they’re essential.
In this guide, we’ll debunk the myth of “too high” standards, explain how to define them clearly, and offer a practical framework for keeping those standards strong without becoming inflexible or cynical.
Why People Say Your Standards Are Too High
When someone tells you your standards are too high, it’s usually for one of three reasons:
1. They Can’t Meet Them
Some people will call your standards “unrealistic” when what they really mean is: “I can’t or won’t rise to meet them.”
2. They’ve Settled Themselves
Someone who has compromised heavily in their own relationships might feel threatened by your refusal to do the same.
3. They’re Confusing Standards With Demands
Wanting emotional availability, honesty, and communication isn’t demanding — it’s healthy. Yet, in a dating culture that celebrates casual connection and low-effort interaction, even basic standards can seem radical.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people with clearly defined relational standards actually experience higher satisfaction and lower emotional burnout in relationships. So no, your standards aren’t the problem — your clarity is your superpower.
What Healthy Standards Actually Look Like
High standards are not about creating an impossible checklist of perfection. They’re about ensuring that your emotional, mental, and even physical well-being are respected in a relationship.
Healthy standards might include:
- Emotional maturity — someone who can self-reflect, communicate, and take responsibility.
- Consistent communication — not ghosting, breadcrumbing, or erratic behavior.
- Shared values — around lifestyle, growth, or long-term goals.
- Respect for your boundaries — emotional, sexual, or otherwise.
- Mutual effort and investment — relationships shouldn’t feel one-sided.
If you need help clarifying your standards, this worksheet from Psychology Tools can help you identify and articulate them with confidence.
How to Tell If Your Standards Are Actually Unrealistic
While most people benefit from raising their standards, there is a fine line between healthy expectations and fantasy.
Here are signs your standards might be leaning into the unrealistic zone:
- You want someone perfect but don’t allow for flaws.
- You reject people after one tiny imperfection or awkward moment.
- You expect someone to read your mind without communication.
- You’re looking for a relationship to “fix” or complete you.
A great exercise is to separate your standards into two lists:
- Non-negotiables (e.g., emotional availability, monogamy, kindness)
- Nice-to-haves (e.g., same taste in music, height, income level)
The Gottman Institute offers excellent guidance on identifying your core relationship needs versus wants. When you make this distinction, it becomes easier to hold firm on what matters — and stay flexible where it doesn’t.
Why Lowering Your Standards Never Works Long-Term
Lowering your standards may give you short-term company — but it often leads to long-term disappointment.
Here’s what usually happens:
- You make excuses for someone’s lack of effort.
- You feel anxiety instead of peace.
- You resent the relationship and feel unseen.
- You invest time trying to “fix” or “wait out” red flags.
Eventually, you lose trust in yourself — because you knew better, and didn’t listen. That loss of self-trust is more painful than being single.
In contrast, when you keep your standards high, you may spend longer filtering — but what you find is real compatibility and peace.
How to Keep Your Standards High Without Becoming Cynical
You can be both open-hearted and discerning. The key is staying grounded in your values, not in your past pain.
Here’s how to maintain high standards while keeping your heart open:
1. Know Your “Why”
Your standards should be rooted in your values — not what your friends expect, not what TikTok preaches, and not what fear tells you.
Ask: Why is this standard important to me? What does it protect or reflect?
This clarity turns your standards into anchors, not walls.
2. Watch Actions, Not Just Words
A common trap: someone says all the right things but fails to show up.
Keep your standard simple: do their actions align with their words? If not, you don’t need more patience — you need better boundaries.
For more insight on identifying behavior patterns early, read this guide by Verywell Mind.
3. Detach From Outcomes
Don’t cling to someone just because they seem promising on paper. Stay open to connection, but grounded in reality.
Your job isn’t to make things work. Your job is to observe if they do.
4. Surround Yourself With People Who Get It
You’ll need a support system that validates your standards — not questions them.
Build friendships with people who value:
- Accountability
- Growth
- Authenticity
- Emotional intelligence
You’ll be less tempted to lower your bar when your circle holds the same line.
5. Expect Discomfort, Not Perfection
Holding standards might mean turning down a second date, walking away from “potential,” or sitting with the loneliness of not settling.
But discomfort is temporary. Regret from abandoning your values lasts longer.
When to Re-Evaluate (Not Lower) Your Standards
Sometimes what we think is a “standard” is actually a protective defense or outdated belief.
You may need to re-evaluate if:
- A pattern keeps repeating with no resolution.
- A standard is rooted in fear or ego (e.g., “They must never disagree with me”).
- You’ve outgrown the version of you who created that standard.
Re-evaluating doesn’t mean compromising your worth — it means evolving your wisdom.
As clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani frequently teaches, clarity and boundaries are part of emotional growth. Let your standards grow with you — but never let them shrink to accommodate someone else’s limitations.
Final Thought: Your Standards Are a Reflection of Self-Respect
Your standards aren’t too high. They’re just inconvenient for people who aren’t ready for what you’re ready for.
You are allowed to want emotional safety, communication, effort, and consistency. You’re allowed to walk away from people who give you confusion instead of clarity. You’re allowed to wait for the connection that aligns with who you are — not who you’re willing to settle to become.
So don’t dim your light to be liked. Don’t lower your standards to be chosen.
Stay rooted. Stay radiant.
And watch who shows up when you stop shrinking.
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